But he gives us more grace...

2011-10-19T16:56:00.001-05:00

"It is time pounding at you, time. Knowing you are alive is watching on every side your generation's short time falling away as fast as rivers drop through air, and feeling it hit.
Who turned on the lights? You did, by waking up: you flipped the light switch, started up the wind machine, kicked on the flywheel that spins the years. Can you catch hold of a treetop, or will you fly off the diving planet as she rolls?
...Knowing you are alive is feeling the planet buck under you, rear, kick, and try to throw you; you hang on to the ring. It is riding the planet like a log downstream, whooping. Or, conversely, you step aside from the dreaming fast loud routine and feel time as a stillness about you, and hear the silent air asking in so thin a voice, Have you noticed yet that you will die? Do you remember, remember, remember? Then you feel your life as a weekend, a weekend you cannot extend, a weekend in the country.
O Augenblick verweile."

-From "An American Childhood" by Annie Dillard

2011-10-19T16:43:00.004-05:00

"What does it feel like to be alive?
Living, you stand under a waterfall. You leave the sleeping shore deliberately; you shed your dusty clothes, pick your barefoot way over the high, slippery rocks, hold your breath, choose your footing, and step into the waterfall. The hard water pelts your skull, bangs in bits on your shoulders and arms. The strong water dashes down beside you and you feel it along your calves and thighs rising roughly back up, up to the roiling surface, full of bubbles that slide up your skin or break on you at full speed. Can you breathe here? Here where the force is greatest and only the strength of your neck holds the river out of your face? Yes, you can breathe even here. You could learn to live like this. And you can, if you concentrate, even look out at the peaceful far bank where maples grow straight and their leaves lean down."

-From "An American Childhood" by Annie Dillard

2011-08-31T18:04:00.004-05:00

I started (and never finished) writing this back in May. Our beloved sister Ora has since passed away.

There's something humbling about sitting with an older Christian woman who is suffering from cancer (and the horrible effects of cancer treatment), in severe pain, looking back on her life of over 70 years, and looking ahead to an unknown number of days on this earth.
Ora is one of those people that, when you spend time with her, you can tell has seen a lot, been through a lot and just keeps going. She maybe even has a lot she could complain about - but she doesn't. I don't know the details of her story very well - exactly how many children she raised, or grandchildren she guided and guarded, with her prayers and stubborn love - or exactly what types of jobs she worked before I met her, past retirement age, in a volunteer capacity. But I have come to appreciate her in whatever moments we share together, which have mostly been in the day to day tasks of running a food pantry, serving food and dignity to poor families of all kinds.
When I think of Ora, I think of strength, and power, and unfailing persistence in doing right and good. I'm sure many, if not all, who know her would call her a saint, an excellent model of what a woman can be, of who a follower of Christ ought to be. My own saintly mother has expressed how she is inspired by Ora. We laugh about the time a few of us took a prayer retreat, and meek Ora was so overwhelmed with gratitude and honor that we "let" her join us - while we all looked up to her and felt honored that she came! We had so much to learn from her. I still do.
That simple, pure, servant-like spirit still pervades Ora's life. Saturday when I saw her in her home, though saddened to see her weakened body, I was filled with joy just to be in her presence. I felt refreshed by her softly spoken words of welcome, and the thoughtful look in her eyes as she talked about her current situation. She amazed me when she said things like, "Well, here I am. I'm alive another day. I woke up this morning and said Thank you."
After reminiscing about the past 10 years of the Center of Hope's ministry, we prayed together. I'll never forget the words she spoke through her tears: "Thank you, Jesus, for letting me be a part of it."

Dreams and Nightmares

2011-08-15T09:47:00.002-05:00

I've had some pretty crazy, unusually vivid and emotionally-compelling dreams lately. I definitely think dreams are connected to "real" life. Dreams are real. Are part of life. Anyway... Pastor Ryan read this prayer by Walter Brueggemann in church a couple Sundays ago and it really resonated with me. It's called "Dreams and Nightmares", from Prayers for a Privileged People.

Last night as I lay sleeping,
I had a dream so fair . . .
I dreamed of the Holy City, well ordered and just.
I dreamed of a garden of paradise, well-being all around and a good water supply.
I dreamed of disarmament and forgiveness, and caring embrace for all those in need.
I dreamed of a coming time when death is no more.

Last night as I lay sleeping . . .
I had a nightmare of sins unforgiven.
I had a nightmare of land mines still exploding and maimed children.
I had a nightmare of the poor left unloved,
of the homeless left unnoticed,
of the dead left ungrieved.
I had a nightmare of quarrels and rages and wars great and small.

When I awoke, I found you still to be God,
presiding over the day and night
with serene sovereignty,
for dark and light are both alike to you.

At the break of day we submit to you
our best dreams
and our worst nightmares,
asking that your healing mercy should override threats,
that your goodness will make our
nightmares less toxic
and our dreams more real.

Thank you for visiting us with newness
that overrides what is old and deathly among us.
Come among us this day; dream us toward
health and peace,
we pray in the real name of Jesus
who exposes our fantasies.

Celebrating St. Thomas, "The Doubter"

2010-12-21T07:33:00.002-06:00

Adapted from William Bright, in The Divine Hours: Prayers for Autumn and Wintertime (Phyllis Tickle)

How often, Lord, your face has shone

On doubting souls whose wills were true!

You Christ of Peter and of John

You are the Christ of Thomas too.

He loved you well, and firmly said,

"Come, let us go, and die with him";

Yet when your Easter news was spread,

Mid all its light his faith was dim.

His brethren's word he would not take,

But craved to touch those hands of thine;

When you did your appearance make,

He saw, and hailed his Lord Divine.

He saw you risen; at once he rose

To full belief's unclouded height,

And still through his confession flows

To Christian souls your life and light.

O Savior, make your presence known

To all who doubt your Word and thee,

And teach us in that Word alone

To find the truth that sets us free.

Advent pick-me-ups

2010-12-17T11:11:00.003-06:00

I struggle with holidays. The last couple Christmases I've been sick and/or depressed. Often on Easter I don't feel very alive, or very joyful. Advent is usually so busy that it's hard to remember what it's all about. This year, as my faith sharing group, pastor, and others have reminded me to look for where God is coming into the world every day, in little and big ways, I've instead become overwhelmed by all the ways I'm not seeing God. Sure, I can relate with the Old Testament prophecies about the need for a Messiah... I believe I can empathize with the people of Israel who were/are longing desperately for such a Savior... but looking at the way things are around me - in the world, in the church, even in my own struggles with sin and questions about evil - it makes me want to ask, "Really? The Messiah has come? Shouldn't things be different, then?"

So I'm wrestling with all of this, and it's not easy, but I've noticed some bright spots which I'll share here:

Putting up a Christmas tree in our apartment helped. (I'm infinitely grateful to my roommate for that!) Sitting by the tree and taking time to reflect helps.

A group of friends who came over the other night and shared about how they are experiencing Advent helped. We all share a passion for serving poor and broken people... the kind of people Jesus came to save, yes? ...and it helps me to be with them, hear their stories, lean on them for support, watch them for glimpses of hope.

This morning, Scripture helped. For some reason, I had Psalm 46:10 in my head so I decided to turn there - only, I went to Psalm 146 on accident, and read the entire Psalm before realizing it was different than the one I meant to read. But it's ok - both were helpful to me! Both are about the Lord being an abundant helper, reminding me that I can't live this life - this worshiper-and-disciple-of-Christ life - alone, in my own strength. Also, kind of a side note but what was also encouraging to me - about the verse "Be still and know that I am God...": in my version (which I've often noticed before) it says "Cease striving and know that I am God." Today I noticed that the word "striving" is in italics, which means that it has been added by translators. So, to take the verse literally, it says: "Cease and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." What is interesting to me is that the previous two verses are about the works of the Lord in the earth - essentially, putting an end to wars and violence. And then it goes right into God speaking for himself: "Cease". Not that I don't appreciate how I've always before understood this verse - that we as people should stop and be still and be aware of Who God is - but it makes me excited to think that God is talking to all the evil things going on in the world, and saying: Stop. I'm God, and I will triumph.

Another bright spot for me (anytime, not just in Advent) is spending time with children. Fortunately, this week, I've been able to do that every day. This afternoon I'll do it again, babysitting two three-year-old boys (yup, that should be fun!). It's easier to have hope when I'm with little ones.

I'll end this with some words my Mom wrote recently, which I'd like to share with anyone who, like me, has difficulty celebrating in the midst of a suffering world.

"I pray you all are enjoying Advent trusting God’s promises of righteousness, justice, and peace for our hurting world and our sometimes discouraged spirits, and living in the hope that God has something good in store for all in the future."

Because it's true, it's true - we have a Messiah in whom we can hope. I just need to be reminded often.

2010-11-07T16:34:00.002-06:00

Well I haven't blogged much this semester, but that's how semesters go, right? - Too much going on to stop and write about it. :) (BTW, I'm very happy to be at a point in my life where I can again live by "semesters"... legitimately, that is... 'cause I always think in semesters, even when I'm not in school!)
But a few days ago I did stop and reflect... what can I take away from this semester so far? And I think one of the most important lessons I've learned has to do with time management/boundaries/saying yes and saying no/whatever you'd like to call it. It feels like I've forever been dealing with the tragic reality that I can't do everything I want to do. It's not possible. And, at least somewhat, I've finally accepted that. And I'm rolling with it. And I'm enjoying life, within my own limitations.
For example, even something as simple as getting enough sleep - which used to be a source of great anguish for me - has become one of the joys of life. It happened like this: One day I said I was tired (oh wait, I've said that 9 out of 10 days since I was in 7th grade), and my counselor asked if I'd gotten enough sleep. I told her: "I got 8 hours!" And she suggested that maybe 8 hours isn't enough. Maybe you need nine. And I balked, and I felt silly that as a grown person I might actually need to sleep an hour or more longer than the other productive people I know, and I finally realized that she's right. So, I started going to bed ridiculously early. (As I did, I thought of my college roommate... and my respect for her grew... it's not an easy thing to do!) And in a few days, I felt a m a z i n g ! And guess what - even though I had one less hour of the day to do things, during the hours I was awake I was obviously much more productive! And clearer thinking! And happier! Wow. Sleep is one of God's best gifts to us!
Speaking of God and rest... the other night in a restaurant with my family, I noticed a funny sign on the wall. It said "And on the seventh day... He ordered pizza." :) See, even God knows to take a break. Maybe not because he "needs" it, but because it's a good thing. So I challenge anyone who doubts the concept of Sabbath to think about all this. And hopefully you'll even try it, test it out, see if it's really worth it. I think it is.

Paradox: Strength in Weakness

2010-09-17T18:37:00.004-05:00

One of my professors stated this week: "Paradox is holy ground." I guess that's true for psychology and theology (which are apparently my two areas of interest... right now, anyway:).

In the same class we were talking about Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory, and part of our homework assignment this week is to try to identify our "parts". (To briefly explain: IFS has concepts of an internal system, similar to an external system such as a family or church, in each person. So a person has different "parts" and also a "self" which is, ideally, able to interact with the different "parts" - especially when they get in the way or cause problems. Parts can be things like fear, anger, obsessions/compulsions, coping/controlling mechanisms, etc.)

So I did what any conscientious, first-year, overly-stressed, exhausted grad student would do: On my lunch break, I found a couch in a secluded area, lay down to rest, and wrestled with my different "parts." (We were especially encouraged to pay attention to "bodily sense" when locating parts... so it was fortunate that I had plenty of aches and pains to identify, and question what "parts" of me they were representing.)

Heeding the advice of my wise classmate Andy, I also invited Jesus to interact with me and my parts. (I don't know about anyone reading this, but as I'm writing this, and even at the time when I was doing it, this is about the time when I start feeling kind of silly. I'm talking to my parts? Jesus is in the room talking with us, too? Um, ok...)

I'm really glad I did this.

First of all, it was a very relaxing time and made the rest of my day a thousand times better. I didn't get too terribly far with the homework aspect, but I did identify some parts of myself that were hurting or stressed, and focusing on those helped me deal with some underlying causes.

Also, I started contemplating this ongoing struggle I have with being over-burdened out of good intentions. (I.e., I am so eager to love and serve God and other people, that I feel the responsibility of helping everyone and wish I could fix everything in the world. And that gets pretty discouraging.)

I thought of two scripture verses that I would consider quite significant:
The verse when Jesus says "Anyone who would come after me must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." And the verse when he says, "Come to me all you who are weary... and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart... for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

These verses create a paradox: To truly follow Christ means to be self-sacrificing and to endure some pretty difficult stuff (I don't think he meant the word "cross" in merely a symbolic way)... yet, Christ promises that sharing His burden will be easy (because, of course, he is the other one in the yoke).

So I wondered to myself, in the quiet of the room and in the midst of all my parts and in the awareness of Christ's presence with me in the moment, how can I live in this paradox? How can I be willing to take whatever comes in the way of following Christ, and yet follow him easily and be at rest in his presence? Because that is my problem - I get caught up in the burden and in denying myself and forget to rest (or find it difficult or seemingly impossible to rest).

Then I noticed which words in the verses I was focusing on. I was focusing on the cross - yes, I know, it will be difficult! it will require sacrifice! I am willing, even though I probably won't like it! - and I was focusing on the burden - is it really light? what kind of yoke is attaching me to Christ and to his burden?

I decided to try focusing on different phrases: "Follow me" and "come to me" and "learn from me." And that is when I thought, "My professor is right. This is holy ground."

Somehow, when we are following Christ for the sake of Christ, when we come to him just to be with him, and when we're willing to learn from him because of who he is... we end up denying ourselves and carrying crosses and yet finding the burden easy and finding rest for our souls.

A very personal example of this is the past week of my life. I have felt more weakness and weariness in this time than ever before in my life - and I have been more joyful and more determined to keep following Christ. I have found this particular kind of strength only in recognition of my deep need, and in relying and depending completely on him to literally get me through each moment of each day.

Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. (II Corinthians 12:10)

Notes on Alaska

2010-08-25T19:00:00.004-05:00

The first time my dad went to Alaska, he kept a journal. I didn't do so well, but I did take a few notes; and more importantly, I took in a lot of sights, sounds and smells that create some pleasant memories. I'll share some highlights with you here.

Facts:
For those who care and may not already know... Alaska is bigger than the next three largest states, or the 22 smallest states. Yeah, it's big.
Denali National Park and Preserve alone (the third largest national park, after two other parks that are also in Alaska) is larger than the state of Vermont. I couldn't begin to fathom its six million acres, but I sure did enjoy every bit that I experienced firsthand.

Feelings:
I learned a lot while visiting. More than I wanted to know about coal, less than I would like to know about the geology of the place, and plenty of historical tidbits. However, I won't share all of them here, because although it was all very interesting, what was marvelous about Alaska was just seeing and being there. I don't get much happier than I am when I'm on top of a mountain, seeing for miles around; or walking through a forest, breathing in the sweet smells of wildflowers and spruce trees. And honestly, I don't think I've met more quirky people than I did in my short ten days in Alaska. (Whether they're quirky 'cause they're in Alaska, or the reverse, I'm not sure...)

Fun:
So on my "dream vacation" (which, by the way, cost a LOT less than it typically would, thanks to my daddy who works there, whose wife has connections, and whose success in the local poker tournaments provided some prime gift certificates to area attractions), I got to do a lot of things including: A day cruise, whitewater rafting, a Jeep safari, an ATV safari, two dinner theatres (which were better than I expected - food-wise and musically:), ordering "whatever we wanted, as much as wanted" (literally) for free at the most expensive restaurant in the gulch (dad's refrigeration skills paid off!), and relaxing in a hot tub at the end of every [17 hours of] day[light].

But the best parts of course were things that are free anyway: Hiking, being surprised by wildlife, picking and eating wild berries, attending a presentation on "Subsistence and Conservation," watching a family fly kites at a city park in Anchorage, touching the Exit Glacier (I said free, not necessarily legal...), viewing The Mountain (Denali/The High One/Mt.McKinley), and spending time with family and new friends.

Animals I saw for the first time with my own eyes in their natural habitat:
Sea otters, sea lions, harbor seals, puffins, moose, caribou, porcupine, dall sheep, beavers, marmots, ptarmigans... finally (after hoping and hoping) some wolves and... I kept saying "I want to see a bear, but from a distance, when I am safe in a car/bus" - well by the end of the trip, I did - seven or eight of them - but, especially after hearing a couple of our guides talk about their up-close grizzly encounters, I began to wish I could see them a little bit closer. But I guess that'll have to wait until...

Next Time:
I knew before going, as with most trips, that I'd end up wanting to go back in the future. I didn't know ahead of time that I would feel like staying and never even bothering to come home. It's the bug... you can see it in the faces of two out of every three males in the state (and those are usually the, ah, more unshaven ones)... and I started to catch it! Oh, if it weren't for grad school starting in a couple short weeks, I would've been glad to take a job there for the rest of the summer, as there seem to be plenty available this late in the season.
So anyway, about halfway into my first day, I started a list of things to do "next time" - if there is a next time. Things like hiking to the Harding Icefield, taking a rail trip, going to the hot springs, hiking ALL the way up Mt. Healy and on the WHOLE Triple Lakes trail - and numerous other longer hikes that are available, actually camping in the park, and climbing Mt. McKinley. Just kidding, I don't ever want to do that. Too risky.

Speaking of risky, Alaska, and Denali in particular, is not without some very disturbing and sobering events.

Sad:
Only recently have loaded firearms been allowed in the park and preserve, and it is still illegal to discharge them. (Yeah, I questioned that when I first heard it, too. Why is it legal to carry a gun yet illegal to shoot? Oh, yeah... a "right" to bear arms. Silly Americans.) Well, a couple months ago a hiker and his girlfriend encountered a grizzly bear in the park. (By the way, the NPS and everyone else who hosts visitors to Denali is very good at educating on the proper ways to respond to bears, moose, etc. No one has an excuse to be ignorant. Although I wouldn't blame anyone for freaking out and not knowing what to do in an actual event.) Supposedly the girl was threatened by the bear, and the guy instinctively shot at, and killed, it.

While I was there, a young man and young woman tried to cross the Teklanika River near the end of Stampede Road (made famous by the book and movie, "Into the Wild"). They had a poorly-rigged rope system to help them, and the current was too strong, and the woman ended up drowning. My dad's wife, Lori, told us the news after she heard it from some hikers who had just spoken to the young couple the day before, and were pretty shaken up about it. Lori herself was frustrated (and she's not alone in her frustration) over how many people, idealizing the story in the book and movie, come to Denali in search of "the bus," and are unprepared and unwise in how they approach visiting the area.

During my week long stay in Denali, I became increasingly convinced that such a beautiful wilderness is just that - we should be careful to respect and preserve its natural beauty, and we should not think we are greater than the natural forces that can be so wild and unpredictable.

Handprints

2010-07-02T11:45:00.002-05:00

At the Center of Hope, we have quite a variety of volunteers. I love working with all of them.... in fact, I think that just might be my favorite part of my job.
There is a girl named Alyssa, whose grandmother lives in one of the apartments above the Center. Whenever Alyssa has early dismissal or a day off school she comes to help us downstairs.
This summer, whenever she's not at day camps, she comes to help out. She helps with EVERYTHING: front desk, bagging groceries, stocking shelves, calling numbers.
OK, so her attention span isn't as long as a regular volunteer shift (2 1/2 hours), so we occasionally find her wandering around, taking a snack break, or reading a book... a couple times I got frustrated because she left her post (number calling or signing people in on the computer - which are both very important) without notice. I explained to her that she needs to let us know so we can find a replacement, before she runs off to do a different job. But all in all, she's a sweetheart, very bright, and a willing helper/learner. I think she's going into 5th grade this fall.
The last couple weeks we've been doing some painting around the Center - to freshen things up a bit. Alyssa helped us finish some trim work, doorframes and doors. Since we were planning to paint the floors soon, I asked the director, on a whim, if we could put handprints on the floor, just for fun. Because Renita is the BEST boss ever, of course she said yes. So Alyssa and I coated our right-hand palms and fingers with white paint and pressed them down, side by side, on the brown floor, right in the middle of the room. We were pretty tickled, anticipating the reactions come Monday morning when the first guests would enter.
Well I had pretty much forgotten about the handprints by the time I came into work the next week. On Tuesday or Wednesday, I noticed the handprints were completely gone, and another volunteer mentioned that they were gone by 10:00 Monday morning. That's how much foot traffic we have in our waiting room!
This morning as I helped put a fresh coat of brown paint on the floors, I remembered our white handprints, and wondered if anyone even noticed them before they were trampled and disappeared. Then I started thinking about little pieces of paint stuck on the bottom of people's shoes, and being walked around all over Kankakee County. And that's kind of the nature of what we do here, by giving food and other temporary forms of physical help to hundreds of people each day: It may not last long, but it's affecting many lives, a little bit at a time.
I smiled to myself, knowing that a middle schooler and I are making our mark on this community. Even if it goes unnoticed, under people's feet... it's spreading all over.

2010-06-22T18:28:00.002-05:00

I am like the prostitute: aware of my sin
I am like the bleeding woman: aware of my need
I am like Hannah: aware of my unfulfilled desire
I am like Anna: aware of Your redemptive promise

The Biggest Brother

2010-06-12T16:24:00.004-05:00

My dad's oldest brother died a week ago. It was very tragic, and shocking of course... totally unexpected. My uncle Luke was the oldest of 11 children. I can't fully comprehend what grief they must be experiencing right now (not to mention my grandmother, burying her firstborn... or my cousin, burying his father). I know what it's like to look up to an older brother, and the oldest in particular (when I was a little kid I called Jesse my "big brubber" and somehow that still sticks in my mind when I think of him). I don't know what it's like to have so many siblings. From what I observe, it is quite a dynamic of bonds (and often conflicts) between brothers and sisters, older and younger, and differing personalities. Just as each of my aunts and uncles is different from the others, I see each one's grief as unique. On the other hand... just as I commented to my grandma, after seeing a picture of Luke when he was young: "All the Bridges men look the same" - and as Thomas was teased about looking like our dad, and I was reminded yet again that I look like this aunt, wait no that aunt, well ok I look a little bit like all of them - so all of us in this family are the same in some ways, too... in a way our grief is also the same. It's hard to put into words. I can just say this: a big hole is left by the loss of the biggest brother.

How far removed from poverty are we?

2010-05-19T12:00:00.002-05:00

When was the last time you…

• Didn’t have a hat, coat or gloves to wear on a cold winter day?
• Worried about your electric being shut off before your next paycheck?
• Sent your child to school in the same clothes as the day before, without changing him or washing even his face?
• Stole something and sold it so you could buy food?
• Relied solely on walking, public transportation, or the chance kindness of others in order to get to and from work every day?
• Went to the Emergency Room (instead of the doctor) because you don’t have insurance, and yet couldn’t pay the bill?
• Were evicted?
• Didn’t have a phone number or mailing address where someone could reach you? (Which is usually essential for getting hired at a job.)
• Dug through a dumpster behind the local grocery store?
• Slept in your car… by necessity, not by choice?
• Got a paycheck-advance loan?
• Couldn’t afford Christmas presents for your family?

If you’re like me, your answer to every one was probably “never.” But how would any number of those things be different if you…

• Grew up without a father, or mother, or both?
• Were illiterate?
• Couldn’t speak the dominant language of the culture in which you live?
• Had a spouse that left you?
• Became disabled?
• Had a child who was disabled?
• Never finished high school?
• Became a single parent as a teenager?
• Didn’t have any surviving family members?
• Were the victim of abuse or neglect?
• Were the victim of fraud or theft?
• Had severe depression, or some other psychological disorder?
• Had a substance-abuse addiction?
• Were the object of racial discrimination?

Perhaps one of these factors, or a combination of two or more, would be enough to change your life to a life of poverty, like the poverty many around us face. Or perhaps you have experienced one or some of these things, and have been or are now in some degree of poverty. Is it hard to see how those in poverty arrived there? Is it difficult to understand why they often stay there… or, are kept there?
Or does it seem like the above factors are so simple, they could easily be remedied? What would it take to rescue an orphan from poverty? Who would befriend a single parent and help him carry the burden of poverty? Why would you learn a language not your own to bridge the gap to someone else’s poverty?

When will we put a stop to inequality in the workplace so that everyone in poverty has a fair chance at getting out? How can access to education be supplied to those whose poverty is a lack of the basic tools of reading and writing? Is there hope for a depressed, schizophrenic, or addicted person to rise out of a poverty of mind?

Can we imagine an end to all kinds of poverty?

I think, not without a closer look…
a step inside… a willingness
to share in others’ poverty,
to walk with them
until we leave it all behind.

Yogurt

2010-05-10T09:33:00.003-05:00

I have a sore throat, and this morning the only thing I could find to eat that "felt good" on my throat was some plain yogurt. And it was good. In fact, it tasted so good to my otherwise unwell-feeling body, that I thought: This is the best yogurt I've had in a long time. Since... and then I remembered when, a little over a year ago, I sat in a tent home in the South Hebron Hills of the West Bank and ate a bowl of yogurt served by the Palestinian family that hosted us there on their native land. Since I can't eat gluten (and the best way our translator could explain that was by telling them I had a "weak stomach"), they brought me a special item with breakfast. While my friend Stephanie and our translator Jessica ate bread, I ate the most powerful, delicious, goat-milk yogurt. And I was blessed, I was nourished, by this family who let me sleep under the same roof (er, tent-flaps) as their own children and then went out of their way to feed me something I could eat. Even though we don't speak the same language. Even though they live in a remote village without electricity or plumbing (in very much the same way their ancestors have lived there for centuries) and I come from a rich, Western nation and wear pants and loose hair in the midst of their culture of more modest female dress. Even though they are Muslim and I and my fellow visitors are Christian. Even though they are struggling to keep their home and farm on their land in the midst of a terrible military occupation that my government continues to support and help finance. This family was indeed gracious in their hospitality to me. I will never forget that visit, and will always remember it as a perfect example of the kind of hospitality I want to be able to give and receive.
Walter Brueggemann puts it well, in writing about the importance of hospitality (in Sojourners magazine, May 2010, p. 48):

Perhaps the practice of hospitality is the ultimate outcome of the Easter season, when there is no fear of others, but readiness to host (see Romans 12:13)... God's readiness to take up residence in our habitat contradicts all the fearful aggressiveness of the world. The risen Christ came and said "peace" (John 14:27). Where he comes, there is peace. The news of Easter is that the enlivened Christ invites us away from the deathliness of the world, not to withdraw, but to listen and host and welcome, and so to reverse the vicious cycles that keep wounding nations, communities, and persons.

If You Love Until It Hurts...

2010-04-22T21:23:00.003-05:00

Surely you've heard the quote of Mother Teresa: "I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there is no hurt - only more love."
I think it's fair to say that, I have loved until it hurts. And I would like to say that I've found her words to be true.
Other things that happen when you love until it hurts...

~You come to know yourself better
~You come to better understand, appreciate and love the world and the creatures in it called "humans"
~You are able to receive love even more
~You stop caring about some pretty insignificant things that were wasting space in your life
~You want to love more, not less
~Your mind is flooded with thoughts and memories that make you laugh and cry, and you begin to understand the co-existence of joy and sorrow
~If you believe, as I do, in the incarnation of God in the person of Jesus Christ, and that he suffered for love of the world... then you get a little, tiny glimpse of how great God's love for us really is. It's truly awesome.

Maybe it's not that the "hurt" ceases or disappears... but it is overwhelmed by the reality of all that Love really is. The pain is just a symptom... evidence... of the thing that matters most of all.

Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.

Everyday Tragedies of War

2010-04-16T08:54:00.003-05:00

(Above: Third-generation-refugees growing up in Deheisha Refugee Camp near Bethlehem, West Bank.)
--
It is sad to me that, anymore, when we speak of war it's mostly in political and economic terms. Most of us have no better frame of reference for truly understanding the impact war has on this world. While I don't want to forget the real lives, including the lives of many people I met while visiting the West Bank last year, that are affected by war, I do want to point out some of the glaring injustices that have been brought to my attention, particularly regarding the U.S.'s involvement in (basically) subsidizing Israel's illegal occupation of the Palestinian Territories.
From a great report by The Only Democracy?:

In terms of how Israel chose to fund the ongoing Occupation, with much help from the U.S., we learn that "there were still other routes the government could have taken, such as increasing the capital gains tax; raising income tax for the upper income brackets – or at least not reducing it; imposing a war loan; cutting the salaries of senior government officials, local government officials, and high-ranking military officers; cutting the ‘fat’ in the military budget; or reducing government benefits to well-to-do sectors of the population, among them residents of the Israeli settlements in the Palestinian territories. The option chosen was to make cuts whose main effect was to lower the standard of living of Israel’s middle and lower classes.” (emphasis mine)

This reminds me of the words sung by Derek Webb: "When justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war/The ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor."

Not only does the United States continue to give incredible amounts of "aid" to Israel ($3 billion in 2009), but "75 percent of the funds are earmarked for purchases from US industry. Consequently, it’s no wonder that the aid agreement between the U.S. and Israel has for some years now been changing the ratio of military to civilian aid, increasing the former while incrementally canceling the latter. As journalist Moti Bassok wrote in 2007,'Each year throughout the present agreement civilian aid was reduced by $120 million, while military aid grew $60 million. As of next year, annual U.S. aid will [… be] all military,' forming an integrated enabling component of Israel’s continuing and destructive militarization. It would seem that the economic and political elites of both the US and Israel have vested interests in continuing Israel’s militarization, occupation and choice of warfare." (emphases mine)

It would seem that both the U.S. and Israel have the same problem. It would seem that both countries are continuing to decrease social spending while increasing military spending. It would seem that citizens of both countries are living under and buying into "the official, as well as media, focus on national fear and ‘national security’."

I'm so glad that the way things seem to be isn't the way they have to always be.
I have hope that there are people who imagine that things can be different ...whether Israeli citizens refusing to serve in the IDF, or U.S. citizens refusing to pay income taxes in protest to funding wars; whether Christians putting themselves "in the way" of violent conflicts or pledging allegiance to Something higher than the nation-state... and I want to live my life with such imagination, so that together we can experience and share something that is different.

Psalm 92 Paraphrase

2010-03-24T11:34:00.004-05:00

What is good? It is good to give thanks to God. It is good to be thankful - we have much to be thankful for. Beyond what he's given us, done for us, God deserves praise for Who he is. It is good to honor his name.

What is his name? He is the "Most High" - the highest one of all, the purest, the best. There is nothing and no one higher than him. No one better, nothing more good. He is perfection. He is the Supreme Existence. He is God. He is over all. And yet, he comes close enough to love us.

He is so near, that every morning I can get up and say confidently: "The Lord loves me!" And every night I can look back on the day and say truthfully: "The Lord has been faithful to me." Because not only is he good - he is good to me! I am so glad for all he has done. When I see all the evidence that he is at work, a song of joy fills my soul and must come out.

It's easy to see what is evil. Any one can see what is going wrong in the world. What's not so easy is to realize that evil, wickedness, and sin only last for a time. In the end, you will triumph, Lord.

Not everyone understands you. But those who do, know that you are not simple, or boring, or small, weak, insignificant. You are above and beyond everything, forever. I think I'm getting it, too - and it brings new energy to my life.

You are good. You are the solid good of my life. There is nothing about you that's not good, there is no part of you that's not good.

Lent

2010-02-21T14:18:00.003-06:00

I could write about what I'm giving up for lent this year - I'm giving up quite a few things, actually. But the details don't matter. I was looking forward to Lent this year, and found that "giving up" some everyday things isn't actually that hard... when you have a desire to make room in your life for something More.
The following prayer has been humbling to me as I pray it, and helpful for me to take on the right spirit of the lenten season.

Litany of Penitence

Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth, that I have sinned by my own fault in thought, word, and deed: by what I have done, and by what I have left undone.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength. I have not loved my neighbors as myself. I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us. I have not been true to the mind of Christ. I have grieved your Holy Spirit.
Have mercy on me, Lord.
I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness: the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life.
I confess to you, Lord.
My self-indulgent appetities and ways, and my exploitation of other people, I confess to you, Lord.
My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I, I confess to you, Lord.
My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work, I confess to you, Lord.
My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me, I confess to you, Lord.
Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done: for my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept my repentance, Lord.
For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me,
Accept my repentance, Lord.
For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us,
Accept my repentance, Lord.
Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me,
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation,
That I may show forth your glory in the world.
By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord,
Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.

--Adapted from the Book of Common Prayer

I'm back.

2010-02-20T20:18:00.003-06:00

I decided to start blogging again. We'll see how it goes. :) Even if I have nothing else to say, I have plenty of things to share... like this, from the prayer book I've been using:

"Late have I loved thee, O beauty so ancient and so new; late have I loved thee: for behold you were within me, and I outside; and I sought you outside and in my unloveliness fell upon those lovely things that you had made. You were with me, and I was not with you. I was kept from you by those things, yet had they not been in you, they would not have been at all. You called and tried to break open my deafness: and you sent forth your beams and shone upon me and chased away my blindness: you breathed fragrance upon me, and I drew in my breath and I do now pant for you: I taste you, and now hunger and thirst for you: you touched me, and I have burned for your peace." --St. Augustine

Kids just grow up too fast!

2009-07-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

Conversation with my niece today...

Me: Oh, I want to keep you.
Adele: You can't!
Me: I can't? Who do you belong to?
Adele: (points to Carra and Jesse) Them... but you get to keep her. (points to mom)
Me: So they get to keep you forever?
Adele: (nods, then) No, they don't... they keep me while I'm a kiddo, then when I grow up, I'll come to here to you!
Me: That'll be fun!
Adele: But I'll have to go to a wedding on the way.
Me: Whose wedding?
Adele: Mine!
Me: Who are you going to marry?
Adele: .... Someone. ...A guy.
Me: Oh...
Adele: And I'll have a baby when I'm ready. Then my tummy will always be soooo big when I come here!

Summer Reading...

2009-06-15T19:41:00.003-05:00

My schedule is getting less full (yay!) and I've been settling into some nice summer routines of enjoying the weather, enjoying people, enjoying books, and just not rushing all the time. Some of the good books I'm diving into:
"Three Cups of Tea" - the popular account of a mountain-climber who started building schools in poor villages in Pakistan. So many people recommended it, and now I see why... it blends well with what I've been learning about other, similar cultures (i.e., majority Muslim), and really makes me want to go there. (Or, just go back to Palestine.)
"Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" - I started this a while ago, but it's one I have to read slowly, in small portions. It details her efforts to follow a "call within a call" and I think (haven't got that far yet... remembering something from the jacket cover) her experiences of great spiritual darkness during some of the most fruitful years of her ministry. What I admire most and prayerfully study is her complete devotion to Christ, seeking to quench His "thirst for love and for souls." She was always my hero. Still is.
Ok that's all for now, but I have a long list yet to come... Oh, and of course, the continuous stream of newsletters from the Middle East pouring into my gmail inbox. I half-jokingly have been telling people that I'm not aware of anything that's happening in the world unless it's in Kankakee or Palestine. But I love both of those places, so I'm content to focus on them for now.
Peace.

Another good one...

2009-05-15T08:04:00.002-05:00

So, visiting Thomas & Jeanne's church in Milwaukee, we sang this song and I instantly loved it... Especially considering my recent experiences in Palestine, the words of this seemed to express so well the cries of my heart.

Let your kingdom come and liberate
Every prisoner of greed and hate
Let it fill our hearts
With love for you
For our neighbors and
For our enemies too

Let your kingdom come and end all war
And the pain and grief of the oppressed and poor
Let all violence be finally put away
Let the streets find safety so the children can play

Let your kingdom come and let cool streams flow
Let your fields flourish clean wind blow
Let your children save instead of destroy
Let every creature thrive free in health and joy.

Let your kingdom come and every knee bow
To the king who was, will be and is now
And let justice roll, as the rivers run
And let death give way to resurrection!

(Brian McClaren and Tracy Howe)

FYI

2009-05-11T20:41:00.002-05:00

Just in case anybody was not aware of this:
I LOVE MY JOB!
(I feel compelled to mention that frequently, because I realize that not so many people are blessed to have a job that they absolutely want to be doing.)
Today I cleaned my room (yes, a small miracle), and had plenty of time to think... a couple times I recalled points in my life where I almost moved away (once during college and once after), and I just thought: Wow, how different my life would be if I had done that! But right now, it's hard to imagine that anything could be better than this... just staying here, in the place I call "home" and pursuing the dreams God has given me, in the simple, everyday opportunities... without necessarily attempting anything grand. (Well, I guess it depends on your definition of grand...)
So yes, back to the point: I love my job because I get to work with poor people, and that is what I've wanted to do for a long time. It's perfect.

I like this song

2009-05-05T07:24:00.003-05:00

I don't know whose it is or where it came from, but the choir sang this at church Sunday and I really liked it. (And anymore, especially at this particular service, it is really rare for me to find a song that I can really sing all of the words sincerely!) But these are good words...

Who is this child asleep in the manger?
Tender and mild, this intimate Stranger?
Recklessly, wildly loving a dangerous world
Who is this light invading our darkness?
Glorious might, the sun rising for us.
Conquering night, He captures the hardest of hearts
We sing:

This is our God, living and breathing
Call Him courageous, relentless, and brave
This is our God, loving and reaching,
Scandalous mercy and mighty to save.
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Sing praise.

Who is this One who will not condemn us?
Why would He come to shoulder our sentence?
Nothing we've done will keep Him from giving us grace.
Who is this One we watch and we're speechless?
God's only Son embracing our weakness.
He overcomes all death and he frees us to live
And we sing:

This is our God, suffering and dying.
Call Him the Hero redeeming the lost.
This is our God, love sacrificing,
All that is holy, accepting our cross.
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Hallelujah! This is our God!
Sing praise.

Trip Pictures!

2009-04-22T20:42:00.002-05:00

Here is a sampling of my many facebook albums full of pictures from my CPT delegation to Israel/Palestine.
Enjoy!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20967&id=1013829573&l=50ca19596a

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20971&id=1013829573&l=2387624bfb

Easter

2009-04-12T21:04:00.002-05:00

Searching, searching, searching.
Where is the light?
Where is the life?
Where is the joy?

Waiting, weeping, watching.
When will day break?
When will death end?
When will He come?

I do not know where You have gone.
I do not know when I see You.
I do not know how to let go.

You tell me:
My Father is your Father,
My God is your God.

That is all I need.

2009-04-06T21:41:00.004-05:00

Jesus said "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Mt. 19:14)

When I look at a baby, so flawless and beautiful, it's easy to believe that someday Good will triumph over Evil. And it's hard to believe that anyone would ever want to harm such a life.

When I look at a child, in all his innocence, filled with curiosity and joy, it's easy to imagine that he will do great things someday. And I wish so desperately that he can grow up and reach his potential without being attacked, injured, altered by the lies of a world telling him who to be or not be.

When I look at a youth, bold and proud, I am startled to think of the changes taking place in a life, just like happened in my own life. What influences will sway this one, and in what direction?

When I look at you, your hardened face peering at me and your abrasive voice challenging me, I wonder why you are the way you are. But then I remember, you were a child once too.

When I look at myself, questioning the one in the mirror, I realize I am trying so hard to become... someone. But maybe what I really need is to unbecome, and to undo what I've done to the other children.

derek webb says it best

2009-03-12T15:05:00.002-05:00

poverty is so hard to see
when it’s only on your tv
and twenty miles across town
where we’re all living so good
that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhood
where he’s hungry and not feeling so good
from going through our trash
he says, more than just your cash and coin
i want your time, i want your voice
i want the things you just can’t give me

so what must we do
here in the west we want to follow you
we speak the language and we keep all the rules
even a few we made up
come on and follow me
but sell your house, sell your suv
sell your stocks, sell your security
and give it to the poor
what is this, hey what’s the deal
i don’t sleep around and i don’t steal
i want the things you just can’t give me

because what you do to the least of these
my brothers, you have done it to me
because i want the things you just can’t give me

(-"rich young ruler")

Resurrection

2009-03-09T16:20:00.003-05:00

A day or two ago I was telling Jake about how much I am looking forward to Easter - because the holiday always brings me a renewed sense of joy, as well as somewhat of a new perspective on resurrection... I guess resurrection is one of those things that I'm always learning more about. Except, sadly, I don't really think about it that much. That's why the holiday is good for me. Jake & I agreed that we humans need to celebrate things frequently, or else we forget them. Later, I was thinking about celebrating resurrection, and remembered that that is what the Christian church is supposed to be doing every Sunday! Imagine that - Easter, once a week. I should probably keep that in mind more often while I am in weekly worship with my church family.
But of course... it's not Easter yet, and we are still in Lent... a time for learning more about, and in some way participating in, the suffering - the "passion" - of Jesus Christ. So let me not get ahead of myself... before I get to Easter I have to go through Lent. It's been intersting, so far, and I think it will only get more interesting in the next few weeks. I really am thankful for opportunities to better understand Christ's passion... but I won't lie: I've still got my hope set on the resurrection morning.

This Week.

2009-02-23T21:11:00.004-06:00

I am focusing on the following.

*Being not afraid. This is a frequent biblical command, and a thought that often comes to me... but it's one thing to read/hear/know/think something, and another thing to be it. I believe that being unafraid will have to come directly from being secure in God's unconditional love. Right now, I think the best ways to access that love are to increase the amount of time spent in God's presence, through: prayer, meditating on scripture, praise & singing, resting, receiving the blessings and affirmations from other members of the Body of Christ.

*Being full of grace. (See the angel's address to Mary in Luke 1:28... in some versions, "favored" by God... I like the Catholic version.) Part of being secure in God's love for me is knowing that I'm forgiven. Forgiveness, of course, requires repentence and accepting God's grace. And part of forgiveness is having a forgiving heart toward others. Being aware of God's grace in my life frees me to be gracious to all those around me.

*Being courageous. I have to admit that I'm nervous about my future... as excited as I am about the things I believe God has called me to, I often struggle with a fear of failure. I think too often as Christians we are worried about doing the "right thing" rather than just living in response to God. (Because, after all, if God were so concerned with us doing the right thing, as the Psalmist said, "O Lord, who could stand?") I've concluded that I must be willing to fail. Only then will I truly be giving my whole self to God. This, of course, connects back to the need to know of God's love for me. He does love me. Even if I mess everything up. I take comfort that "with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption." I must remember that HE is God, and able to save, even if I am unable to do anything about a situation.

Happy Birthday, Brother of Mine

2009-02-18T08:34:00.004-06:00

This is late. But it's still sincere.

Why is my brother special to me?

Because when I was little and neither of us went to school, he was a ready playmate.

Because he taught me how to build forts, and tried his best to teach me to shoot a bow and arrow (which I never learned... I was better at playing the victim - like the time he shot me with an arrow that had a metal screw on the tip! ouch! ...now was that good aim, or bad aim?).

Because when we were in junior high and were both home doing school, he would spend our entire lunch break arguing with me over the kitchen table. (I value that a lot more now than I did then.) If I ever show extreme stubbornnes, I think it's fair to blame it on him.

Because when he was a skater-dude, I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. Including his long hair. (Although I was a bit jealous that his hair was blonder than mine, I was all natural - he used peroxide. Cheater!)

Because his laughter was so contagious, especially when he spit out his milk from laughing so hard.

Because when we were in the youth group together, he showed me what it means to be a leader and true spiritual friend. If ever somehow I show extreme boldness, I know it'll be partly because of his role modeling.

Because when he was in college and I would go to hear him preach, I was always amazed and learned something from God speaking through him.

Because when we were in college together, he faithfully gave up one night a week to eat with me and listen to my freshman-level drama! He also lent me lots of books, and advice on classes and profs that he'd already had. *If I happened to get good grades in certain classes with certain profs, it might be because I had my brother's last name...

Because he pulled some pretty sweet pranks and I got to brag about him to my friends... or sometimes, it was my friends who told me about the mischief my brother was in!

Because any time I went to him for advice about making a major decision, he refused to tell me what to do with my life. Frustrating as it was to me, it was good for me. He helped me understand I have to make my own decisions, regardless of others' opinions.

Because he picked for a girlfriend and (eventually) wife, one of the sweetest women I've ever met who subsequently became one of the best friends I've ever known.

Because (despite earlier mentioned shooting episode), he has been hugely influential in my belief and growth in nonviolence.

Because he is someone who always, even from a young age, does things whole-heartedly. And when he makes mistakes, he's not afraid to admit it and learn from it. And when he wrongs a brother or sister, he's quick to seek reconciliation. He taught me how to apologize and seek forgiveness... which is often very humbling, but such an essential skill.

Because he has an amazing talent for thinking waaaaay up there in the clouds, understanding and grasping things, and bringing them down to earth for the rest of us. I know he has great potential as a teacher, and I envy every student who ever takes a class from him.

Because he has good taste in clothes, coffee and company. Yup, he's pretty cool.

Happy 26th, Thomas Joseph Bridges!!! I love you.

A Typical Day At the Center of Hope

2009-01-27T16:31:00.005-06:00

There is no such thing as typical, but today seems like a good example of the variety of things I get to do and what the volunteers and I are exposed to as we work here.

8:30 am - I am "running late" (because of some before-school babysitting), and the line of people outside the door are giving me a hard time (joking... mostly) about not opening the door 'til now (even though we don't officially "open" until 9:30! they line up as early as 7, or even 6 in the summer).

Mr. G. follows me in the door as usual, talking my ear off while I try to get things started for the day. Sal, a talented Italian chef, brings in a tray of pizza-bread-somethin' for the volunteers, some of whom are already stocking shelves. They will inevitably come to me with multiple questions that I do not know the answer to (regarding food, my standard response is: "Ask Al" - if Al is not here, I tell them to do whatever they think is best). I lock myself in the back office to "listen to the messages" and things, but really my goal is a few moments of sanity before the day officially begins. I read some Scriptures, pick out a few verses of Psalm 96 to share as a devotional, and go greet some of the volunteers as they show up, including a new guy from a local church. Usually at this time I'm questioning, Do we have enough volunteers? Lately though, our problem has been having too many - a good problem to have - so I try to find the new guy a spot to work that isn't already filled. *This is where flexible volunteers make life easier: they don't mind jumping in if they're needed, or moving to a different position if they're not.

9:00-2:00ish - After devotions the morning gets rolling, and I happily scurry from front to back, person to person, trying to address everything and everyone that demands my attention. This includes:

-Attempting to discern if clients are trying to "scam" us (What's your name? Where do you live? Are you lying to me?)

-Finding that fine balance between mercy and justice (like when Mr. J. asks if he can cut line because his 70-some year-old mother is waiting in the car... he is #63 and we are on #5)

-Answering phone calls (Where are you located? Can you help me with my rent/utilities/medicine/car/grief?)

-Talking to walk-ins (People wanting to donate stuff, wanting to volunteer, wanting to talk to Renita - the latter is a large part of my job!)

-Listening to a client tattle (one of our workers may be stealing food... and I am left wondering, is he trustworthy?)

-Piles of paperwork (blah)

-Munching on trail mix

-Compiling information and planning for volunteer training sessions

-Computer games (uhhh...)

-Interacting with volunteers - like talking to Pat on the phone about who will be driving her to doctor visits and bringing her the groceries and things she needs; or getting to know a new volunteer, Glenn, who has lived in this area his whole life; or, when I mentioned to one volunteer that I've been meaning to get in touch with his wife, he stopped what he was doing and gave me a full update about their entire family - this is one of my favorite parts of the job!

-Receiving prayer requests, praying, and passing the word on

-Eating celery and carrots

-Referring people to other agencies, such as Catholic Charities (another big part of what I do)

-Smiling at the little children who occasionally come in with parents and really brighten the day for us

-Talking to clients (like Bob, a softspoken gentleman whom I talked with last week and also ran into at Mass the other night, and who is now telling me about his admitted need, and his desire, to read Scripture on a daily basis... what an encouraging conversation!)

-Laughing to myself about our crazy, wonderful volunteers... like Ms. J., claiming to be a lesbian and we're not sure if she meant it or only said it to get one of the guys to stop hitting on her... and Ron, who always feeds me all kind of flattery, saying "Be a good stepdaughter and get me something cold to drink!"

-Being concerned about volunteers, like Ms. P. who is worn out from taking care of her ill husband, and Ms. T., whom we suspect may be in an abusive relationship

2:00-2:30 - Things are quieting down now... the last stray people (who came in after we closed at 1:30 - some tenderhearted volunteer is always letting a few in) are getting their food, the shelves are being re-stocked, the waiting room is empty and needs a good cleaning. I eat an apple while finishing up some paperwork, organize notes and messages for Renita for tomorrow, gather my things from the office, then head up to the front desk area. Ron is finishing entering new people's information into the computer, Ora is washing the coffee pot. Oh, and one more thing before I go... I've been thinking of Charlene (former volunteer) lately, and even had a dream about her the other night... so I think I'll call her.
I already have a smile on my face, thinking of her warm and joyful personality, so I am surprised when she sounds very dull at first. After I say my name she perks up a little, as we talk she picks up excitement, and pretty soon she is being her normal blessin-the-Lord self. We talk about the two big things in my life that are new since we last saw each other - the boyfriend, and the peacemaking delegation. (And, not unlike many others, she makes connections between the two and wants to know, "What does he think of your trip?") She is full of encouragement for me. Though at one point she makes a comment about how if she was going on such a trip she'd be afraid, after I share my own confidence in God's hand at work in all this, she agrees with me and declares "I stand corrected!" She says lots of positive things about the trip and about me, including an amazing phrase that I won't fully remember but is something to the effect of "May God's peace be over, rooted in, and abundant through your life..."
We also talk about her life... how she is "Not where I want to be, but not where I was..." and how she "can say nothing but 'thank You' to the Lord," because even when things aren't going the way we want them to, we serve a God who is powerful and good. She thanks me for "being obedient to your dream" and calling at "the perfect time" and promises we'll see each other before my trip in March. It is utterly refreshing, and something in my spirit is burning brighter because of this time of sharing with a friend who, though not a close one, is a true friend in the Lord.
So now you know why I love my job, right?

"Dear Grandma: This is why I'm willing to risk my life for the love of Christ"

2009-01-20T22:29:00.002-06:00

Do you ever notice how when you're forced to simplify something (like when you're explaining it to children), it brings a sometimes-alarming clarity to your own thoughts and what you're trying to say? Well, tonight I was writing a note to send to my Grandma with my CPT support letter, and that happened. Try putting the biggest goal/hope/aspiration of your life into a paragraph or two to a relative or someone who may not know the ins-and-outs of your life but who loves you very much. That's what I did, and here's what I came up with:

Dear Grandma,
I'm sure you've heard that I am taking a trip to Israel & Palestine in March, and I just thought you might be wondering about it, so I'd like to share with you about the organization I'll be going with, and why I want to do something like this. It is certainly not an ordinary trip, and the organization is doing no ordinary work!
The enclosed support letter will explain more [...] but basically, because of my faith in Christ (Whose love and grace I consider to be the center and foundation of my entire life) and through what I have seen, read and studied, I have become convinced that first, God desires His people to seek peace for all people in His Creation, and second, that nonviolence is the only truly effective method to bring about peace in this world.
I know I am not perfect, and still have a lot to learn about nonviolence and love - and I seek to learn from the Best Teacher of all, Who set us an example on the cross. But I am excited about an opportunity to act on what I believe in. I know there are risks involved, but I also trust in God's protection and provision. I'm willing to take any risk for Him.
So, I hope you enjoy reading this letter and I hope you'll be proud of me as I try to live out the love of Christ to the people I encounter on my journeys in Israel and Palestine!
Love always,
Julia

MLK Day

2009-01-19T21:00:00.002-06:00

Today I attended my first-ever nonviolent demonstration (outside of Olivet's campus, anyway), with CPT in Chicago. We walked in a silent "funeral procession" from Federal Plaza to the Boeing company headquarters, to protest how Boeing has been supplying and profiting from the bombs that Israel has used to attack Gaza (and how our government allows and aids this process). (Side note: This morning I was reading about the ceasefire between Israel & Gaza, and noticed that the ratio of Palestinian deaths to Israeli deaths in the last few weeks was 100:1; of course, most of the former are civilians, the latter, soldiers.)

In our procession, some carried cardboard "coffins" (labeled: "A Father of Gaza," "A Mother of Gaza," and "A Child of Gaza"), some candles and photos, and some signs and banners (my mom's read: "Boeing bombs Kill Gazans," mine read: "Stop the Killing"). One person beat a drum (bucket) as we walked. We were escorted/followed by several Chicago police officers. We walked about seven blocks in the cold, silently carrying these testaments to the horrible deaths of innocent people, facing the inquisitive/compassionate/annoyed/confused looks/looks away/comments of Chicago pedestrians/bus riders/restaurant-goers/beggars. When we arrived at Boeing, we were denied entrance into the building, so we stood outside, laid the coffins and candles and pictures in front of the doors, recited a litany and sang songs. After a few minutes, the police informed us that, since the people at Boeing requested us to leave, we should leave the property or be arrested. At least two men were arrested; the rest of us moved to the public sidewalk and continued to sing and pray. The coffins were left on Boeing property... some of the company men came out and made sure the coffins and all the smaller items were put on the sidewalk. (Later, the police busted open one of the larger coffins and shoved the child-sized one inside, then they put it and the other one into a big police van which was then driven away.) By this time, our toes were frozen, so my mom and I headed back.

Before, during, and after all of this, at the Federal Plaza, there were songs, prayers and readings in memory of Martin Luther King, Jr. and in honor of his stance for peace and justice and against militarism, racism and materialism. It was the culmination of Camp Hope, a combined effort of many local churches and peace groups to call on President-elect (or, President tomorrow!) Obama to follow through on promises he made during his campaign by taking certain actions immediately upon being sworn into office, including: 1. Regarding Iraq, withdraw troops and cease combat operations; announce a new diplomatic initiative to bring peace to Afghanistan and Pakistan. 2. Take all nuclear weapons off hair trigger alert. 3. Close Guantanamo, eliminate military tribunals and allow detainess access to the U.S. court system. 4. Suspend deportation of immigrants and stop raids at workplaces.

Today was interesting and exciting for me. It felt good to be part of something that is much deeper and older than myself, and something that holds true hope and promise for the future: the movement of people seeking peace through nonviolent means. I am as excited as ever about my participation with CPT and my upcoming travels to Israel/Palestine. And I continue to be inspired by ordinary people past and present living out extraordinary love.

And now, just for fun and because these are awesome, I leave you with some quotes (all by King) about nonviolence:

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.

At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

It is not enough to say we must not wage war. It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it.

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.

Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon, which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.

Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.

(And my favorite:)

Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time; the need for mankind to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence. Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.

Christmas break summed up:

2009-01-05T22:08:00.002-06:00

My Advent/Christmas Letter - With Pictures!

2008-12-12T19:13:00.007-06:00

With Becky in Nashville
Thomas and Dad at their tournament on the Mississippi River

Playing in the sand at Lake Michigan

Bike trip to Buffalo Rock

Birthday canoe trip on the Kankakee River!

Dear Friend,

Greetings to you this Advent season! At this time of reflecting on the incarnation of Christ, and looking forward with hope to His return, I wanted to reconnect with you and share some of my own reflections and hopes! I hope this finds you well, and I would certainly enjoy hearing from your heart as well.

This year has been an interesting year. At the beginning, I knew my life was in transition, but had no idea where it would lead. Now, as the year is nearly over, it is amazing to see how far I've come, yet to know that my journey in many senses has just begun!

In the spring I had a plan (with the knowledge in my mind all along that, oftentimes, God changes our plans!) to move to South Carolina and work at a shelter for women & children. However, through my experiences substitute teaching, volunteering at the Center of Hope, and just generally living life in Kankakee, I felt a strange, new desire to stay right where I was at. In my decision-making process, one thing I prayed is that God would release me from this feeling if I was supposed to go to SC. I did not experience such a release. In fact, after deciding to stay in Kankakee, I felt great peace about it. I was, however, left with the very big question of: "Now what?"

As I said, I was substitute teaching (which I loved!), and volunteering at the Center of Hope (our local compassionate ministry, which is basically a food pantry). Since I would not be subbing in the summer, I needed a job. God provided, and the board of the Center approved for me to come on staff part-time as assistant to Renita, the director. I also got to spend some more time babysitting some of the special children in my life over the summer... but also had plenty of free time, including much time spent with my family. I began to ride my bike a lot (and was thrilled to discover this new form of transportation, with which I can be a better steward of the resources God has given me!), and even took a short overnight bike trip (approx. 100 miles total) with some of my friends. I also got to experience some nice mini-vacations not far from home - at the Indiana Dunes National Park, and the Mississippi Palisades State Park. I realized that even living in Illinois affords some great opportunities to visit places of natural beauty! Most of all, the summer was a time of true spiritual and emotional refreshing for me, which I very much needed.

Toward the end of summer, I went on a couple of more road trips. This time, they were farther, and somewhat bittersweet. I helped Jesse and Carra move to the Kansas City area, and the next week helped Thomas and Jeanne move to Milwaukee! I'm very happy for them as they have started out in their new homes (and have been fortunate enough to see them all through several visits here or there), but sure do miss having them around! (Especially, of course, my niece Adele, who turned 3 in October and is as bright and sweet as ever!) My dad also left at the end of summer, to spend time working and soaking up the sun in South Carolina. His girlfriend Lori also moved there, and they were married October 8th. Of course, he returned to Illinois for deer hunting season, so I got to see him around Thanksgiving, while Lori visited her sister & newborn niece in Pennsylvania.

In the fall, subbing started up again, work at the Center continued, and one of the families that I used to babysit for during college contacted me again; so my work schedule is a mixture of days and evenings, being on call and flexible, and spending lots of time with children and poor people - all of which I absolutely love! What can I say? I am blessed. With my flexible schedule, I have been able to take a couple of small trips (to Nashville to visit my college roommate Becky, and friends Eric and Joy; and to Kansas City to visit family and friends), and I am planning even more! One of the trips, however, will not be so small: I will be going to Palestine for two weeks in March. (More on that in a moment!)

For about the last three months I have been getting to know a wonderful young man, Jake Mau, and recently we decided that we are officially dating! He graduated from Moody Bible Institute, lives in Chicago, and works for World Relief (an agency that helps resettle refugees). If you're thinking his last name sounds familiar, it's because he is the younger brother of my sister-in-law Carra! We have lots in common, including a passion for serving the poor in Christ's name.

The longer I live in my home community of Kankakee, and the longer I seek to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, the more I am convinced of a great need to share the love and hope of Christ through not only words but actions. My heart is especially burdened for those who are poor and suffering. I believe God pays special notice to them, and wants them to know that He is with them through their suffering, that He hears their cries for help, and that He loves them enough to redeem every part of their lives.

While I have plenty of opportunities to do this right here in Kankakee, I also feel a certain Christian obligation to give my life in service to the poor of the whole world. So, my hope is that in some small way I may make a difference, and my life may speak truth to people and spread light in places that desperately need it, regardless of cultural or political boundaries. This is why I have chosen to take a trip to Palestine (and possibly spend more time there in the future) with Christian Peacemaker Teams (CPT). CPT is rooted in the peace tradition of the Mennonites, Church of the Brethren, and Quakers. The teams work in different parts of the world where there is lethal conflict (including Colombia, Iraq, and just recently, the Democratic Republic of Congo) and work with local groups doing nonviolent peacemaking. If you're interested in hearing more about my trip and CPT, or if you'd like to support me financially or through prayer, please let me know.

I would like to encourage you, wherever you are in life right now, to be open to the voice of the Lord... just as it came to Mary through the messenger Gabriel, who said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." Like Mary, sometimes we are greatly troubled at hearing this, and wonder if God has really chosen us to do His work. His resounding response is "Do not be afraid!" And although we may not know "how will this be," if we respond humbly and obediently - "I am the Lord's servant; May it be to me as you have said" - then we will see His glory revealed and His promises fulfilled (see Luke 1:46-55)!

O Holy Night

2008-12-10T14:04:00.002-06:00

Reflecting on, and delighting in, the powerful truths told in this song...

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our need, to our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

Prayer time reflections

2008-11-21T21:34:00.002-06:00

During my lunch break today I went through a small pile of paper scraps with prayer requests written on them, from the Center of Hope. Reading people's heart-cries to God, and interceding for them, is always a touching and humbling experience. Today especially I felt like God had lessons to teach me through these simple petitions:

Request (in childish handwriting): "I want to feel God - Katelynn"
My first thoughts were, I wonder if she meant to spell good, or God? But I guess it doesn't matter because the root of both desires - to feel good and to feel God - is the same. And my prayer can be for both... Lord, help this little one to know you and feel your presence, and let the knowing of You be the good in her life... and even when she doesn't feel good, and even when she doesn't feel You, help her to know You are there.

Request: "I am thankful for my many Blessings. Today I am going to buy a new medicine. Pray that it solves my problems that have existed since Nov. 2007."
I recognize the handwriting, and am familiar with some of the wording. Someone, I'm not sure who, often leaves requests in the box that start with thanksgiving for God's many blessings. What a good reminder that, no matter our need, we always have much to be thankful for. I believe God delights in grateful hearts, as well as hearts that come to him confidently to request help in time of need.

Request: "Jesus I'm asking for a money Blessing and some dedts to be cancel. Please concider my Family & I with a blessing you have for us. Amen"
I felt in my heart that this is a serious request, probably the case of many people who are in need of financial security and freedom. Debt can weigh so heavily. I also began to wonder, should we simply pray for God to relieve people's debts - even if they brought it upon themselves by unwise decisions? So my prayer began to form in this way... God, please help this person to be able to work and make payments toward this debt, to understand the consequences of their decisions, to make wise financial choices, and to be able to live free from the worries caused by money... still being responsible and paying what they owe, but also to learn to live life that is not bound by work or bills, to truly live the way You intended, which I believe is possible even in the midst of great financial strain... And more importantly, please help him or her to realize the depth of the debt that Christ is willing to pay, and to accept the cancellation of a far greater debt than money.

Request: "Pray for my Strength in The LORD! - (name)"
How exciting for someone to be seeking the strength of the Lord! Perhaps he needs strength to face temptation? Perhaps to keep going in a difficult time of life? Sometimes I feel like, although my intentions are good, I am too weak to walk in faith and obedience. I'm just tired... in need of strength that I don't have on my own. It is at this point of realizing my need that I am able to tap into the strength available in the Lord!

Request: "Prayer for healing of cancer (name) Hear oh Lord"
This prayer brought echoes in my heart, For healing of cancer for Pat (one of our volunteers), for healing of Dixie after an emergency surgery (another volunteer), for healing of Dawn's infection (a client who needed help paying for her prescription antibiotic)... Hear oh Lord!

Request (another child's): "I want my dad's back to feel better. I want to prase God better. Jacob"
Oh, God, I want my mom's back to feel better, too! And I want to praise You better, too! Please help this boy's dad to feel better, and even when he's not feeling well, please give this boy peace that You are there for him even when a parent is in need and may not be fully there for him. And help him to live a life of praise that honors you... help me too, to take the time and give You praise, for You are very deserving of our praise.

Good Times in Kankakee

2008-10-14T22:05:00.002-05:00

I've got pictures to prove it:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=8789&l=3a5f9&id=1013829573

(Carra, this is mostly for you, since you're not a facebooker:)

Hospital Visit, parts 2 and 3

2008-10-07T23:02:00.003-05:00

Saturday I visited again with the same lady I saw last week. She didn't look so good at first, but after a while of talking I was reassured to hear that the antibiotics had been effective and her infection was cleared up. She did seem a little depressed, though. Mostly, I think, she was frustrated - after all the other problems, now she was unable to walk. The nurse, tech, housekeeping, etc, were all in and out, and it was kind of hectic. Since I was short on time, but still wanted to visit, I asked her permission to come back the next day.
Sunday afternoon when I showed up, she was in a wheelchair and just about to wheel herself around the hallways. So I went for a "stroll" with her... We sat in the solarium and looked out at the river and had some small talk, some silence. Her mood improved a little - she was probably just glad to have company - but overall, she still seemed pretty melancholy. Next we walked all the available hallways on the floor (which wasn't much). Finally, we settled back into her room. I figured we had a pretty open visitor-patient relationship thus far, so I again started asking her some simple but serious questions. Have you been praying a lot? "Every single moment." Do you feel like God hears your prayers? "Sometimes." My heart ached at her plea: "I want to be healed now! My family needs me." I continued to sit with her in silence.
Then, it all started to come out. She said in a very desperate voice, "I just don't know what I did!" When I asked for clarification, she said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this." So I asked her if she thought God was punishing her. "Yeah... maybe." Then I asked if she thought God would punish her for something without telling her what it was. She quietly admitted, "But he did." So then I talked with her a little bit about God and punishment... how the Bible says God does discipline us, but as a father lovingly disciplines his children. Then I asked her about whether she thought God had forgiven her for whatever she did. She didn't seem too sure. Had she ever asked Him for forgivness? She said no. Would she like to? Yes. Did she want God's forgivness in general, for a bunch of things, or was it one particular thing that she did? It was one thing. A long time ago? Yes.
I offered to pray with her. She said she wanted to try it on her own, first, and then "if that doesn't work, maybe you can pray with me." I asked if she wanted to do it right then, or wait until she was alone. She wanted to wait until she was alone. So I told her I'd check back with her in a few days.
Sunday night at a concert, I bought a CD for her that I thought might encourage her (and help occupy some of her time spent in the hospital bed). A couple of people knew about my conversation with her that day, and we were praying for her. This is where I would have ended part two, and part three would have been the results of my next visit with her. But...
Tuesday morning I found out that she had died. Sometime Sunday night (so, within a few hours after our visit), she was found dead in her bed at the hospital. She was 42 years old. She had an 11-year-old son.
I'm still processing... all of this. I don't know yet about the funeral or anything. Today has been a sad and thoughtful day for me. A little sad for me, and thoughtful because I am somewhat distanced from the situation... But crushing, when I think of this lady and her family. Her life. Her questions about God. Her death. About all of these things... and what it is like for her family, I have no idea.

Hospital Visit

2008-09-21T08:37:00.002-05:00

Last night during my round of hospital visits for my church, I visited with a lady who has been hospitalized for 6 weeks with an infection in her heart (a pretty serious problem). She seemed weak and tired, and perhaps in pain. Mostly she seemed emotionally vulnerable. I guess I would be too, facing what she described in her own honest words: "If the antibiotics work, I'll be ok; if they don't work, I won't be ok."
Usually, at the beginning of a hospital visit - unless the patient or the family is very talkative or starts asking about me right away (which does happen, especially with elderly folks), I have to find some starting point for the conversation. (You can only say, 'Your church family is praying for you' so many times, and I probably already say it too much!) Sometimes this is an awkward moment. But then, it's the hospital, of course it's going to be awkward.
I thought I remembered visiting this lady once before, and that she had a young son. So I asked her about him again. Yes, she responded, she has an 11-year-old boy named Jacob. By the look on her face I knew I had hit a soft spot. I asked about how Jacob is doing (he's ok... football is keeping him busy right now). I sat down in the chair next to her bed, continuing with a little more small talk. Then a pause. Maybe because of the seriousness of the situation, or maybe because of the look in her eyes, I decided to go ahead and just be very open. I asked some questions that might be uncomfortable, but she didn't seem to mind answering.
I asked her what is the hardest part about being in the hospital (to leave her husband and son at home alone). I asked her if she felt like God was far away or close to her. After thinking a while, she said that it used to feel like he was far away, but now it felt like he was closer.
When I offered to read scripture, she was very eager for me to read. She had no request, and assured me to go ahead and read whatever I thought of because 'God speaks in that' (I think she meant God speaks through our own thoughts). Since I hadn't taken the time to pick out a scripture ahead of time, like I normally would, I had to pick something on the spot.
It ended up being John 1:1-18, and I do believe it was perfectly guided by God. After listening to me read about the Word becoming flesh, she said 'I have a question... In the Nazarene religion... is it that God and Jesus are different, or that they are one?' I reassured her that even though we refer to the Father and Son, we do believe that they are both God, and that they are one and the same. 'Hm,' she said, 'I've been alive for 42 years, and for 42 years I've thought they were different.'
We also talked a little bit about the concept of the Trinity, I read from Colossians 1 about Jesus being the image of the invisible God, and the conversation became a great opportunity for me to assure her of God's love for her, his awareness of her situation, his deep concern for her, and his willingness to come to earth as a man in order to be close to her. It felt like a practical application of those theology lessons about the transcendence and immanence of God.
When the visit was almost over, I prayed with her and asked God's blessing on her son and her husband, asked for his strength and comfort, for his presence and reassurance of his love, and for complete healing of her body. Sometimes I struggle with praying for healing, but this time I did not hesitate at all. I just laid it all out there for God, and pleaded with him. And when she asked me, 'If you can find time in your busy life, please pray for me' - how could I deny such a request?
This visit is an example of how hospital calls can be difficult and yet I love them so much. I do not know what this woman is going through (I can only imagine it is very hard), I do not know what the final outcome of her physical health will be, I do not know what words to say. But I'm filled with a deep desire that God would move in on her life, that she would sense his presence and know his love and goodness. Somehow I'm able to ask questions without fear, and pray confidently with her. Not confident because I know she will be healed. But confident that the God to whom we pray loves her and is with her no matter what. And when it comes down to it, why not ask him to heal her? There's no sense being cautious in our prayers. I don't believe God is cautious with his love.
For me, it is a privilege to enter into a hospital room, because I know that God is there.

Question:

2008-09-02T21:56:00.002-05:00

What do You think Jesus meant when he said, "The poor you will always have with you"? Please give me your thoughts... Thanks.

The current loves of my life

2008-08-28T14:06:00.003-05:00

I am posting twice today because I have the time (no sub call today... and I don't babysit for another 2 hours) and who knows when I'll next get to it.

I am anxious for subbing to start. I've already started babysitting. I took a job, a little reluctantly (I had hoped to finally give up babysitting); but after my first night last night I'm glad I took it. The children are Olivia (10), Owen (6) and Avery (4), and I used to watch them a lot when I was a sophomore and junior at Olivet. They're bigger now, obviously, and they've changed... in some ways as I expected, but also in some surprising ways. I think they're all a little bit attention-hungry (their family has gone through some rough times since I last worked for them), and I already have plans to set some kind of structure and teach them some things (no tv, no back-talking, no hitting (why do I have to teach them this?), and there is more to life than wanting to a be a "rock star or a model" - that came from the four year old, by the way, not the ten year old).
It's been a long time since I gave up trying to not have a favorite when I babysit (I have one in every family, just ask and I will instinctively tell you!), and Owen has once again become my favorite out of this family. (Don't get me wrong, I love them each dearly.) Last night it was so fun to help him with his homework - reading and writing - and to know that I'm helping in one of the most formational parts of his education. I tried to be super encouraging whenever he read a new or difficult word, or even when he persisted to struggle through a hard paragraph. I also showered him with smiles and admiring words when he was showing off his bike riding skills! Hm, maybe I'm the attention-seeking one, and I just love to see a little boy beaming at my praises!

My other job, for which I have a different but equal passion, is working at the Center of Hope food pantry. It's pretty basic: we give out food, and I get to deal with the everyday hassles of paperwork, building maintenance and volunteer scheduling. But I like to believe that it's so much more. Monday morning my heart thrilled when "Frank" (our infamous homeless-man-who-forgets-his-meds) actually responded to my greeting with a smile and a friendly "how are you?" - is it possible that weeks and weeks of welcoming him with the love of Christ is beginning to soften his exterior and reach to his heart?
I'm getting to know a young homeless mother, and trying to encourage her in the process of job-hunting and applying for transitional housing. (Ah - a lesson for me here... I don't have all the answers, and sometimes all I can offer is a shoulder to cry on and a prayer.) She said she wants to start bringing her kids to church, so that opened up an opportunity for me to invite her to my home church and offer to meet her at the service. (Note: I wouldn't invite just anyone to my church - that's another whole struggle for me! - but I think she would do ok there.)

OK, sometime in the last few months I made an exciting connection - When I was observing an adult black male (side note: I'm learning lots about black culture... although probably only scratching the surface) at the Center (and, I admit, perhaps beginning to think judgmental thoughts toward him - his humor was a little distasteful, in my opinion), I was touched in my spirit by the sudden realization that this man was once a child - much like the many schoolchildren that I have fallen in love with when I sub. Thinking of what he might have been like as a little black boy (probably ornery, but really precious!) totally changed my perspective and my attitude toward him, and now I carry this new way of seeing people with me when I'm at the Center or other places where I interact with people in poverty.
I love children, and one of the most fascinating things to me is that we all start out as children. So my aim is to honor the unique characteristics that children have to offer us, while loving each person as someone who has grown out of his or own childhood (whatever it may have been like), and is still loved by God as His precious child.

Why grace is my theme

2008-08-28T13:55:00.004-05:00

I tell you, coming up with a name for a blog is not easy. I sat on the living room floor for like half an hour yesterday trying to come up with a catchy phrase that accurately describes my identity or purpose or something. I looked at what resources I had nearby (too lazy to go very far), and tried gaining inspiration from a Bible verse on a post-it in my calendar ("But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." 2 Peter 3:18.) I like it... especially the part about grace (knowledge is useless without it!)... and eventually I came back to a phrase that has run through my mind a LOT in the last, oh, 16 months or so. Through the most transitional (and sometimes scary) part of my life thus far, I kept thinking my life is like a "free fall into grace." Because I've often had a feeling of a long, unrestrained, indefinite fall into I-don't-know-what-or-where... along with a sometimes peace and reassurance, and sometimes just faint hope, that God's grace extends as far as I fall.
I don't know if I'm done falling yet (or if I ever will be). But I am eagerly looking around me for signs of God's grace and what He can teach me through it all.

I'm here!

2008-08-27T13:41:00.000-05:00

I've joined blog-world... mostly so that I can comment on my friends' & family members' blogs. But maybe I'll actually get inspired and do some writing... we'll see. :)